My path to hell

according to my Mormon upbringing

A while ago, some friends and I discussed how horrible of an influence my roommate Tom has been on me. We even decided to give him a score based on how many sins he helped me commit. This is an extension on that discussion with a much fairer point system (the discussion only gave one point regardless of severity).

A list follows of everything I can possibly think of that goes contrary to my Mormon upbringing, and an associated point value. Ones I've accomplished are crossed off. All sins are of course actually my fault, but that wouldn't make the score nearly as interesting.

Mainly I tried to list sins that are listed in the "For the Strength of Youth" pamphlet that was pounded into my head for so many years, but others needed to be added to fully demonstrate my path to hell.

Drink Coffee

2 points

Drinking coffee is bad because it says so in the Word of Wisdom.

Tom - 2

Drink Tea

2 points

See coffee.

Tom - 2

No Church On Sundays

5 points

I don't know how to award the points for this sin, since it's mostly my fault, but it's safe to say that I would be a whole lot more likely to go to Church if I roomed with a Mormon. Tom gets half credit. I'd get the other half, but these are all really my fault anyway, so that wouldn't be a fair contest.

Tom - 3

Smoke a cigarette

4 points

I haven't smoked a cigarette at any point in my life. This would be against the Word of Wisdom as well.

?

No Scripture Study

3 points

This wouldn't be too major of an issue if I still went to church, but since Tom would laugh at me for reading my scriptures, he can have a point.

Tom - 1

Swearing Habitually

4 points

Swearing is bad. It makes you sound like a non-Mormon. Occasional swears might be okay, but when it becomes a habit, it has definitely become sin. Of course, when you live with a person like Tom (who's favorite expression is "cock-sucking, cum-belching son of a gutter slut"), swearing starts to come as second nature. Fuck is such a lovely word, it'd be a sin not to use it.

Tom - 4

Drink Alcohol

4 points

A big no-no according to the Word of Wisdom, alcohol is, of course, the main attraction to any interesting party and college in general*. Of course, I don't often attend interesting parties because I'm a CS major. Thus, credit is awarded for anyone that got me to a party wherein alcohol was a natural consequence.

* exception: see BYU

Tom - 4

Get Drunk

8 points

Upon further refinement of this site, it was decided I had not consumed enough alcohol to make it interesting, so a new prize has been added to the list for Tom or someone else to earn.

?

Extreme Hairstyle

2 points

Extremes in hairstyle and clothing are frowned upon by the church. I'm not planning on wearing around assless chaps, so this will have to do.

?

Lord's Name in Vain

2 points

This is separate from normal swearing because it's specifically frowned upon by the church. Tom's been a tremendous help in turning this into a habit.

Tom - 2

Addiction to Coffee

4 points

Being addicted to coffee is something converts have to take care of before they join the Church, since coffee isn't allowed. Getting addicted to coffee would obviously be more corrupting than just trying coffee once.

?

No Mission

7 points

By not going on a mission, I obviously missed the greatest opportunity in my life to do good, something very selfish. This was the one of the more disappointing aspects of my life to my family, seeing as I'd always said I'd go on a mission. (For a long time I actually believed that to be true.)

To my credit, I wasn't really thinking of going on a mission by the time I met Tom, but Tom's influence likely sealed the deal.

Tom - 7

Not Going To BYU

1 point

I didn't go to BYU. This isn't really a sin, but definitely was a step on my path toward hell. Going to BYU might have turned my life around. Thank god I dodged that bullet.

Tiff - 1

Crazy Parties

1 point

Going to any place that would "drive away the spirit" would be against my Mormonhood. Especially the good parties.

?

Dirty Dancing

2 points

Dirty dancing is advised against, especially when it involves full body contact, because that's sure to lead to you know what.

?

Bad Music

1 point

The "For The Strength of Youth" pamphlet discourages listening to music that drives away the Holy Ghost. I've probably done that a few hundred times over, but it's not really that big of a deal because only the super Mormon freaks care. My friend Riley back home in Utah gets a point as well, since my stepfather never approved of his music selection.

Tom - 1

Riley - 1

Get Laid

50 points

Adultery is said to be the most grievous sin one can get away with in the Mormon Church (after proper repentance process). Often, fornication in general is compared to adultery with someone's future wife in church lessons trying to get across the serious nature of this sin. Thus, we can only assume that fornication is a pretty bad sin.

I'm a CS Major: this one isn't likely to happen any time soon. :P

?

Rated R Movies

2 points

Technically, R-rated movies aren't what's banned anymore. They used to be, but since PG-13's have gotten so 'evil', they decided it best to leave it to you to decide whether god would frown on it. But that category still includes rated R movies, so we'll just go with that. Tom gets multiple counts, considering our regular viewing selection. Riley also gets a nod.

Tom - 5

Riley - 2

Requiem for a Dream

2 points

It has been determined by a panel of experts that this movie is so evil on so many levels that it deserves its own category, and Tom has obviously earned said points.

Tom - 2

Tattoo

7 points

Getting a tattoo would definitely be bad, because God would not approve. Looking clean cut and "pure" is taught as something very important to the Mormon youth.

?

Porn

7 points

Pornography is seriously frowned upon. It's a very bad thing. Luckily, there are people all around me are more than happy to help make this sin possible.

Tom - 3

Dan - 5

Adam - 2

Lesbian Experimentation

N/A

God forbids many behaviors, especially 'sex perversions' like homosexuality. I'm not gay, but I definitely do approve of (hot) lesbians. I don't have the required equipment to participate though, so no points there.

Piercings

5 points

This goes along with all the other things about keeping up the appearance of a clean cut Mormon, but it's more reversible than a tattoo.

?

Tithing

7 points

Paying tithing is important to Mormons. Some people call it "fire insurance" because it's supposed to save you from the fires of the Second Coming. If I was a good Mormon, I'd be giving a dime for every dollar I earned to the Church. But I'm not a good Mormon anymore. Tom would laugh at me if I was. So...

Tom - 2

Masturbation

8 points

Masturbation is a big no-no. I'm not going to get into too many details, let's just say it's been crossed off the list by human nature itself.

Nature - 8

General Conference

2 points

General Conference is where all the Mormons have to go to get the latest info on Mormonhood, so of course I don't keep up with it anymore.

Tom - 2

Breaking the Sabbath

4 points

I was always taught that it was bad to buy stuff on Sunday. Of course it was important to do Churchy things as well, since Sunday is a special day. I've broken the Sabbath plenty of times.

Tom - 4

Making fun of Mormons

2 points

Surely it's not right to make fun of Mormons. Once again, my roommate is a bad influence.

Tom - 2



So now, the moment everyone's been waiting for: the score. How many points has Tom racked up since I moved in with him last year?

Honorable mention:

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